The nineties called.

My recent posts have been moody.. What a way to end things in 2017 here but I did enjoy the NYE gathering my friends planned out for all of us. We decided to go with the event just a week or two before NYE and since it was quite last minute, we had to settle with Empire Damansara, again but this time around, we rented a different unit and it also had a better view.

Since it was one of our first time hosting a big gathering, Zaahira decided to go for ‘Back to the 90’s’ theme and we went all out on it with whatever budget we had.

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Multi-colored paper chains, super shiny streamers, neon pink balloons!

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Everyone came thruuu with their 90s outfit!
Finding the correct outfit was such a painful process for me because I wasn’t entirely sure where to draw the line between the 80s and 90s. All denim was people’s choice that night, only Izzat was brave enough to go floral.

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This guy will always be my favorite part of everything
I wanted to write more but I decided to go on social media detox, cold turkey. I am a heavy facebook and Instagram user, I deactivated those accounts and currently depending on Twitter. I know, it should be all social media. But hey, I am trying here. Will write more on that soon.

Happy New Year!

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Done and dusted; 2017

2017 was supposed to be the year Suffian and I to start having our own little family. Family planning was a one year plan thing, never in our head our marriage would turn two, without having a baby. I did not want it as badly as my husband did because the thought of me having my own child, at 26, creeped me out but I thought, fuck that, let’s just try.

But God works in mysterious way, after the first few weeks of 2017, I was diagnosed with Graves disease. A friend of mine saw the sign but I shrugged it off after I had my first thyroid storm; heart rate was high, couldn’t feel the left part of my body, multiple anxiety attacks. I thought I was dying. I remember crying in the middle of the night because my heart was beating way too high. I told Suff I might be dying.

I was so scared that night, I know he was too.

I started my medication around late February and things got better physically but you know how misery loves company, my good friend, anxiety decided to make me her own home. Apparently Graves disease comes with bad anxiety and there’s nothing I could do about it besides practising how to ride the untamed dragon. I stumbled a lot.

By the time I was ready to conceive since my hormones were all stabled, I found out HPE was retrenching people. Boss advised some of us to find new jobs while my husband’s company did not pay their workers’ salaries for three months, which almost costed his job. It felt, none of our timings were right…

2017 was supposed to be our year but almost everything went south.

In terms of my relationships with other people, I learned new things about me each day.

1. I am impatient.
2. I care too much or too little.
3. I always expect something in return; I was there for you, why couldn’t you be there for me?
4. I get attached a bit too quickly.

I don’t want to be any of that anymore. I want to be more calm this year, I want to care but not to the extend where I destroy myself in the process, I don’t want to have any expectations anymore and most of all, I do not want to get too attached with anyone besides my family.

In summary, I’m not going to please anyone anymore. I’ll say ‘No’ more often. I won’t let things get to me.

Happy new year, everyone.

Shutterkid

December ’17 is giving me so much feels that I never thought I actually have in me.

I love reading people’s blogs, especially those who write about their genuine feelings; heartaches, happiness & everything in between. People used to write a lot between 2006-2013. I had multiple of blogs back then, always going back and forth between blogspot and wordpress but things are so different now in this blogsphere, people don’t write like how they used to. My favorite writers stopped writing.

So today, I was feeling all sorts of nostalgic, I rummaged through my old lists and started reading their old blogs. Creepy, I know but I love how raw people used to be about their feelings. Most of them did not sugarcoat anything.

I stumbled upon one of my old friend’s blog, too.

I met her through my ex back in 2008; when I was all young and feisty. I did not like her at first because I had some miscommunication but things got better for us after I finished high school, she became my shoulder to cry on in spite of her being my ex’s best friend. She still listened to my ramblings and usual rantings on YM. She used to write, a lot. We were really close; every weekend, you can find her at my house and vice versa and karaoke was our thing, too!

Things changed after that and the fault is all mine. I am quite terrible at keeping in touch with people and I think somewhere along the way I neglected her because I thought my problems were more important than hers. I learned my lesson, the hardest way to be honest with her.

I have tried keeping in touch recently but maybe because the gap is huge, sometimes you need to know when to stop trying. I don’t blame her for not reciprocating. Things have changed, a lot but there isn’t a day I don’t miss how things used to be.

She got married earlier this year to her best friend and I didn’t get to watch it. Probably one of the saddest feelings but I understand, it’s weird to have someone you’re not close to at your solemnization.

I am beyond happy for her, to finally found her happy ending. Something we both used to talk about back then. We were both unhappy people and to see her taking another huge step in life, makes me feel all kinds of happy.

I miss you, Shutterkid.

Starbucks Love

I vaguely remember the day my best friend told me about the girl that he met at Starbucks (because I misunderstood his story) but I do remember the meticulous plan we made to accidentally bump into each other at Pasar Ramadhan after he made me stalk her which I gave instant approval because of how cute she was.

Well, this happened back in 2015; Two days ago, my best friend got engaged to the girl of his dreams and I got to witness the whole engagement ceremony. It was beautiful, I never thought Rama V could accommodate for events!

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Anyways, I was particularly excited for this one because after meeting Munirah, we instantly (I think?) clicked! I personally think hanging out with your guy friend’s girlfriend can make a lot of things easier. Like for example, both of us now can discuss what Syahmi does after someone tells him that he/she is on the way because he takes forever to get ready.

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On a serious note, Syahmi has been a great friend to me for quite some time now and we still wonder how are we still friends after the amount of times we pissed each other off. I am so glad I asked him to be pembaca doa for our solemnization event eventhough he trembled but dude, it was great. I am so happy for him and Munirah, both of them are really good people who found love at the most unexpected place and time.

It’s a bittersweet feeling to see your friends are moving on to their next phase in life but I am forever grateful to witness your relationship blossomed into something even more special.

 

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To Syahmi & Munirah;

I know we’ve only known each other for a few years but I feel like I’ve known you guys forever. My heart is so happy for both you, I can’t explain how happy I feel but thank you for letting me be part of your big day. I am all tough love on both you most of the time but please know, no matter what happens, I love both of you and please take care of each other. 🙂

 

To Farim

My engagement day happened almost three years ago and since the whole event itself was a last minute decision, I asked one of our close friends, Dzafri, to be our photographer which he gladly said yes but little did he know, he met the love of his life there and she happens to be my best friend!

I met Farim when we were fifteen; clueless, addicted to Myspace and weird fringe. She is one of the very few people that saw me at my lowest point in life and did not judge any stupid decisions I made. I also watched her fall for useless guys but hey, who didn’t at that one point in life. We would talk on the phone for hours after school (she moved to a different school a year after that). I definitely remember her being in my Top 8 (Top 4, even haha!)

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What’s with my shirt.

Of course we had our ups and downs but we made it up and look how far we’ve come, she’s getting married in three months. We used to talk about our heartaches, a lot. I guess most of our phone calls revolved around that. It was either me crying over something bad and vice versa.

We were just two sixteen year olds who listened to Tegan & Sara a lot (Favorite Thing by Kate Nash used to be our emo jam) but look at us now, Farim! We still listen to those songs but we don’t feel sad about it. We now laugh at the stupid things we did back then and she was my maid of honor for both events and next year, I’m gonna be hers!

I don’t know if you read this space or not but I am so happy that you found your happiness in the most unexpected timing. You used to cry a lot, you were unhappy but to finally know how content your heart is right now feels so good. You deserve this, baby girl. Now go get married!

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Forever and always with this one