2017 was supposed to be the year Suffian and I to start having our own little family. Family planning was a one year plan thing, never in our head our marriage would turn two, without having a baby. I did not want it as badly as my husband did because the thought of me having my own child, at 26, creeped me out but I thought, fuck that, let’s just try.
But God works in mysterious way, after the first few weeks of 2017, I was diagnosed with Graves disease. A friend of mine saw the sign but I shrugged it off after I had my first thyroid storm; heart rate was high, couldn’t feel the left part of my body, multiple anxiety attacks. I thought I was dying. I remember crying in the middle of the night because my heart was beating way too high. I told Suff I might be dying.
I was so scared that night, I know he was too.
I started my medication around late February and things got better physically but you know how misery loves company, my good friend, anxiety decided to make me her own home. Apparently Graves disease comes with bad anxiety and there’s nothing I could do about it besides practising how to ride the untamed dragon. I stumbled a lot.
By the time I was ready to conceive since my hormones were all stabled, I found out HPE was retrenching people. Boss advised some of us to find new jobs while my husband’s company did not pay their workers’ salaries for three months, which almost costed his job. It felt, none of our timings were right…
2017 was supposed to be our year but almost everything went south.
In terms of my relationships with other people, I learned new things about me each day.
1. I am impatient.
2. I care too much or too little.
3. I always expect something in return; I was there for you, why couldn’t you be there for me?
4. I get attached a bit too quickly.
I don’t want to be any of that anymore. I want to be more calm this year, I want to care but not to the extend where I destroy myself in the process, I don’t want to have any expectations anymore and most of all, I do not want to get too attached with anyone besides my family.
In summary, I’m not going to please anyone anymore. I’ll say ‘No’ more often. I won’t let things get to me.
Happy new year, everyone.