Over my head

Last weekend reminded me that having a good support system is extremely important for your health. I am trying to write here as often as possible but who are we kidding, at this age, blog comes last and one thing that I noticed is, I easily forget what I feel since I rarely write things.

Here it goes; last Friday, we celebrated August, September & October babies in one go because gathering everyone in one place is not an easy thing but bless Whatsapp for making it easier for people to keep in touch. Initially, it was supposed to be a small group thing but the crowd went from 8 to 17 real quick and it was nice to see everyone.

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Our celebration ended around 10.30PM but some of us decided to continue our little party at Arope’s. Since we had a long table, we separated our conversations into three groups. I think the thing that really got me was my conversation with Hakim & Arope. I always thought I was alone in a lot of things, especially back then. I thought I had no one when I went through it all alone but he reminded me of the time when both of us hit rock bottom, we were there for each other. Like literally there, both of us would check on each other to see if we were fine.

We talked about regrets, too.

Which I strongly believe that everyone has their own regrets; I don’t believe there’s not a single person in this world that doesn’t have any regrets and I still hope to god sometimes that I could take it back because it is not fun when you can’t make peace with your past. It’s something I should’ve let go a long time ago but sometimes when you can’t, you just can’t.

But all in all, I am grateful to have such a strong support system throughout my whole life. I have always been lucky when it comes to this because my issues tend to be overrun but I have loved ones that are so patient and caring. I tend to overlook these things sometimes because I get too caught up with my own problems and I only realize it when it’s too late.

To the friends that were there for me during my hard times, thank you.

To those who I have not kept in touch for quite some time, I am truly sorry.

To those who are still trying to power through, we are going to get through this together.

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Tuesday

I did not get a good start today. I woke up with back ache, not sure if my tossing and turning contributed to my morning grieve or because of the air cupping that I did yesterday is causing it. We got up early, hoping that I’d be in extra early but luck wasn’t really on my side.. Before I hopped off train from Glenmarie to Jamek, my backpack strap got stuck in between of the train door. It was embarrassing, the train was leaving and my bag was dangling. Everyone looked me, I just looked down after that, hoping someone could help me but no one did, they only looked (talk about selfish?). One of the guards came to me and tried to pull the straps. This caused almost 2-3 minutes delay (it’s a huge thing). I thanked the guard and left the station.

I was walking to another station, still feeling shook of what happened previously. I just walked, I thought I knew the route to my train but after 10 minutes of waiting for my train, I finally realized it was the wrong path. I was supposed to go to the opposite side.

I rushed to the opposite side, only to find the train that I was waiting for just left. So I had to wait for another 5 minutes.

I ended up arriving 10 minutes late.

About My Mama

‘I realized when you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know’ – Mitch Albom

First of all, thank you; two words that mean so little when comparing them to every little thing it is that you have done for me.  I don’t think any word could fathom how grateful I am to have you as my best friend.

I grew up with a single-parent household and not once my mother made me feel incomplete about it. Growing up, we weren’t rich but I got everything I wanted and not once she made me feel unloved.

I remember the first time we moved into our current house after she got divorced. She couldn’t sleep with the lights off, or stay in the bathroom for too long because she was depressed. I know some days she couldn’t even get up to send me to school but she powered through and made sure I went to school because to her, education should always be your number one priority. The house only had one single bed, dimmed lights, cheap stove, two very run down couches. It wasn’t exactly her dream house but she worked hard and slowly bought furniture to make us feel like home and it did.

There were nights where she worked until late. Those nights, I slept in the living room, I heard the sound of her washing machine. I was young; I did not know she was working hard to raise me and she did it fantastically. She sent me to school daily, made sure there was food on the table.

The first time I had a boyfriend, she did not take it so well. Of course she didn’t, I was fifteen! She kept on lecturing me but I rebelled, because in my head, what did my mother know? This ‘love’ is different. Now, 26 year old me is laughing at 15 year old me.

I also did not listen to her about a lot of things, I thought she was an overly controlling mother but little did I know, she’d faced all kinds of challenges, she just did not want me to go through the same thing. No matter how I always complained back then that she did not understand what I was going through (ya know, high school phases), she was the one who stood by myself when I got my heart broken, be it boys or just me making bad decisions in general. She was there through it all, she is not the kind of mother who’d shrug it off when you hit rock bottom, she would go down and sit there with me and make sure I climb back up.

I did a lot of stupid mistakes and let her down so many times growing up, and to see how she stuck through it all is just amazing. Sometimes we fight, most of the times, we try to hide it from my husband (since we all are living under the same roof) because I know no matter how bad the fight is, we will make up right after that.

All in all, I love you, Mama. You deserve so much more than I could offer and for all the things you’ve done, I don’t think I could ever repay it. Maybe in months/years to come, I’ll become a mother too and I do hope one I am at least half the amazing mother you are.

Three years later

I am currently writing this while transferring all of my personal files from my work computer to my external drive. I still have so many gigabytes to go. Note to self, always back up your computer.

I put down my paper, almost two weeks ago. I am currently on my last day of work but unfortunately, the office is almost empty since people are currently on leave. Don’t think I’ll be able to see some of my bosses today. I can’t describe how I really feel at the moment. Do I feel sad? Definitely. Happy? Yes. It’s a mixture of both. I get attached to people easily, especially with people at work because I am one of the youngest here. Some treat me like their own kids. It feels nice sometimes, to have a non-family member who genuinely cares about your well-being.

Three years here. So unbelievably grateful for all the experiences that I have gained throughout my tenure. The people I met along the way. Ups and downs. The seniors here are incredibly supportive. They treat you like one of their peers, not some juniors who don’t know how to do work. I am going to miss everyone here, the food, my cubicle (not mine, it’s my boss’ but he’s rarely there!) and everything.

I am not entirely sure how am I going to be at the new workplace but I do hope, whatever happens, it will be okay.

Enjoy the long weekend everyone.

I need to write a farewell email for my colleagues after this.

2016: Done and Dusted!

I haven’t been writing a lot, I spend most of my days watching Law & Order while browsing through Tumblr. I know it’s the second week of 2017 but I still want to blog about the things that happened to me in 2016.

Miss to Mrs
I got married on March 17th to a man usually found in either black or white t-shirt. It was the happiest day of my life and I still can’t believe that I DIY-ed a lot of my wedding stuff because I was a pinterest bride. I still don’t recommend doing things on your own, unless if you have a lot of time. Married life has been really good, everyday is a learning process. We still struggle but hey, no one said things are going to be easy after you get married.

Lost Tok Wan and Kak Mek
I lost my grandfather and mum’s bestfriend within two weeks. It’s not something I really talk with people. Not because I don’t remember them.. I still can’t talk about them without tearing up. Tok Wan’s room still smells like him and I can still see Kak Mek sitting in our kitchen. I miss both of them, so much.

New Hobby
I have developed an unhealthy habit of buying make up, without having any knowledge on how to use them. A year ago, I never thought I would buy make up every week.. I never even thought I would be highlighting my face just because I want to shine brighter than my future. I started watching Kathleen Lights around mid of last year and haven’t stopped since. I love how good makeup makes me feel. My husband is not to keen with my new hobby but whatever makes me happy. ;p

Completely Stopped Running
I got lazy but I should start running again this year. (I don’t have explanation for this because.. I was seriously lazy.

Traveled Just For a Concert
One of the reasons I decided to marry early. Kidding! But not really, my husband and I are concert-goers and when Foals announced their last tour for What Went Down in Singapore, we decided to wing it and bought our tickets, even tho our financials were not that good (priorities ;p) but it was worth it. We stayed in Pod Boutique Hostel, got stuck in the rain, totally smashed my favorite pair of Vans but it was worth it.

Honeymoon without Itinerary
Probably one of the best decision we’ve ever made together. We wanted a chill honeymoon and we got it. We went to Bali without having any plans, we only bought our flight tickets and booked our villa but it was really fun. I’d really love to go there again and explore all the places that we missed on our first trip.

Work
I got really depressed with work around middle of last year. I felt stagnant while everyone was moving on, doing new things. I spoke to my manager but he didn’t think I was serious. I started applying jobs elsewhere and got one. I was contemplating on leaving when my project manager decided to give me a new role. I love what I do now, I get to coordinate meetings, learn new technologies and meet customers!

Friends
One thing that I can say about 2016 is… it really tested some of my friendships but I’m grateful for those who are still around.

This year, I decided not to have any resolutions because I suck at them but I promise I would write more. At least, twice a week. Kot.