Done and dusted; 2017

2017 was supposed to be the year Suffian and I to start having our own little family. Family planning was a one year plan thing, never in our head our marriage would turn two, without having a baby. I did not want it as badly as my husband did because the thought of me having my own child, at 26, creeped me out but I thought, fuck that, let’s just try.

But God works in mysterious way, after the first few weeks of 2017, I was diagnosed with Graves disease. A friend of mine saw the sign but I shrugged it off after I had my first thyroid storm; heart rate was high, couldn’t feel the left part of my body, multiple anxiety attacks. I thought I was dying. I remember crying in the middle of the night because my heart was beating way too high. I told Suff I might be dying.

I was so scared that night, I know he was too.

I started my medication around late February and things got better physically but you know how misery loves company, my good friend, anxiety decided to make me her own home. Apparently Graves disease comes with bad anxiety and there’s nothing I could do about it besides practising how to ride the untamed dragon. I stumbled a lot.

By the time I was ready to conceive since my hormones were all stabled, I found out HPE was retrenching people. Boss advised some of us to find new jobs while my husband’s company did not pay their workers’ salaries for three months, which almost costed his job. It felt, none of our timings were right…

2017 was supposed to be our year but almost everything went south.

In terms of my relationships with other people, I learned new things about me each day.

1. I am impatient.
2. I care too much or too little.
3. I always expect something in return; I was there for you, why couldn’t you be there for me?
4. I get attached a bit too quickly.

I don’t want to be any of that anymore. I want to be more calm this year, I want to care but not to the extend where I destroy myself in the process, I don’t want to have any expectations anymore and most of all, I do not want to get too attached with anyone besides my family.

In summary, I’m not going to please anyone anymore. I’ll say ‘No’ more often. I won’t let things get to me.

Happy new year, everyone.

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Shutterkid

December ’17 is giving me so much feels that I never thought I actually have in me.

I love reading people’s blogs, especially those who write about their genuine feelings; heartaches, happiness & everything in between. People used to write a lot between 2006-2013. I had multiple of blogs back then, always going back and forth between blogspot and wordpress but things are so different now in this blogsphere, people don’t write like how they used to. My favorite writers stopped writing.

So today, I was feeling all sorts of nostalgic, I rummaged through my old lists and started reading their old blogs. Creepy, I know but I love how raw people used to be about their feelings. Most of them did not sugarcoat anything.

I stumbled upon one of my old friend’s blog, too.

I met her through my ex back in 2008; when I was all young and feisty. I did not like her at first because I had some miscommunication but things got better for us after I finished high school, she became my shoulder to cry on in spite of her being my ex’s best friend. She still listened to my ramblings and usual rantings on YM. She used to write, a lot. We were really close; every weekend, you can find her at my house and vice versa and karaoke was our thing, too!

Things changed after that and the fault is all mine. I am quite terrible at keeping in touch with people and I think somewhere along the way I neglected her because I thought my problems were more important than hers. I learned my lesson, the hardest way to be honest with her.

I have tried keeping in touch recently but maybe because the gap is huge, sometimes you need to know when to stop trying. I don’t blame her for not reciprocating. Things have changed, a lot but there isn’t a day I don’t miss how things used to be.

She got married earlier this year to her best friend and I didn’t get to watch it. Probably one of the saddest feelings but I understand, it’s weird to have someone you’re not close to at your solemnization.

I am beyond happy for her, to finally found her happy ending. Something we both used to talk about back then. We were both unhappy people and to see her taking another huge step in life, makes me feel all kinds of happy.

I miss you, Shutterkid.

To Farim

My engagement day happened almost three years ago and since the whole event itself was a last minute decision, I asked one of our close friends, Dzafri, to be our photographer which he gladly said yes but little did he know, he met the love of his life there and she happens to be my best friend!

I met Farim when we were fifteen; clueless, addicted to Myspace and weird fringe. She is one of the very few people that saw me at my lowest point in life and did not judge any stupid decisions I made. I also watched her fall for useless guys but hey, who didn’t at that one point in life. We would talk on the phone for hours after school (she moved to a different school a year after that). I definitely remember her being in my Top 8 (Top 4, even haha!)

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What’s with my shirt.

Of course we had our ups and downs but we made it up and look how far we’ve come, she’s getting married in three months. We used to talk about our heartaches, a lot. I guess most of our phone calls revolved around that. It was either me crying over something bad and vice versa.

We were just two sixteen year olds who listened to Tegan & Sara a lot (Favorite Thing by Kate Nash used to be our emo jam) but look at us now, Farim! We still listen to those songs but we don’t feel sad about it. We now laugh at the stupid things we did back then and she was my maid of honor for both events and next year, I’m gonna be hers!

I don’t know if you read this space or not but I am so happy that you found your happiness in the most unexpected timing. You used to cry a lot, you were unhappy but to finally know how content your heart is right now feels so good. You deserve this, baby girl. Now go get married!

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Forever and always with this one

Red bank to Blue bank

I took a huge leap, well at least for me; I quit HPE and joined CIMB. It was the hardest decision I had ever have to make considering how much I loved working there. I wasn’t planning on moving for at least another two years but shit happened, you just have to move on. I was frantically looking for a new job and CIMB offer came at the most perfect timing. I loved my time there. Yes, past tense because I left CIMB only three months after I joined the company. I got an offer from the company of my dream. The offer was too good to decline albeit being almost content in the red bank. My decision to move to this new place was not a walk in the park thing.. I had a really good project manager and the managing director was planning to move me into a new technology. Still not entirely sure if I made the right decision but I’ll find out soon enough I guess.

This post is so short. I don’t deserve anything. Lol

Over my head

Last weekend reminded me that having a good support system is extremely important for your health. I am trying to write here as often as possible but who are we kidding, at this age, blog comes last and one thing that I noticed is, I easily forget what I feel since I rarely write things.

Here it goes; last Friday, we celebrated August, September & October babies in one go because gathering everyone in one place is not an easy thing but bless Whatsapp for making it easier for people to keep in touch. Initially, it was supposed to be a small group thing but the crowd went from 8 to 17 real quick and it was nice to see everyone.

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Our celebration ended around 10.30PM but some of us decided to continue our little party at Arope’s. Since we had a long table, we separated our conversations into three groups. I think the thing that really got me was my conversation with Hakim & Arope. I always thought I was alone in a lot of things, especially back then. I thought I had no one when I went through it all alone but he reminded me of the time when both of us hit rock bottom, we were there for each other. Like literally there, both of us would check on each other to see if we were fine.

We talked about regrets, too.

Which I strongly believe that everyone has their own regrets; I don’t believe there’s not a single person in this world that doesn’t have any regrets and I still hope to god sometimes that I could take it back because it is not fun when you can’t make peace with your past. It’s something I should’ve let go a long time ago but sometimes when you can’t, you just can’t.

But all in all, I am grateful to have such a strong support system throughout my whole life. I have always been lucky when it comes to this because my issues tend to be overrun but I have loved ones that are so patient and caring. I tend to overlook these things sometimes because I get too caught up with my own problems and I only realize it when it’s too late.

To the friends that were there for me during my hard times, thank you.

To those who I have not kept in touch for quite some time, I am truly sorry.

To those who are still trying to power through, we are going to get through this together.